Finding Solitude

Today I saw a T-shirt that said “choose hope over fear.” It caught my eye because my name was all sparkly and walking down the sidewalk. I didn’t realize it was an Obama slogan. It’s interesting the different things HOPE can stand for and it’s a powerful thing, isn’t it?

I’ve recently decided to stop complaining in an effort to change my thinking. In a place where I feel like an unwelcome outsider, I have found that I must cling to the positives and encourage happiness in everything. It’s why I write one thing in my gratitude journal everyday all year long (and not just during November on Facebook). It’s all terribly difficult, but the tiny glimmer of hope is an essential part of staying on the wire above despair when you’ve already fallen into the pit before.

When you’re trying to walk the balance beam (gymnasts aside) you hold your arms out to increase your moment of inertia. Getting in alone time can be immensely helpful when warding off depression and trying to stay happy. Being a stay at home mom can be a lonely business, but are you ever really alone? It’s so important to carve out time for yourself everyday, but when?

Here are a few ways I find solitude:

  • On the drive home from dropping off Greg I get to listen to all the uncensored American music I want
  • During nap time I get to write this blog
  • After the kids go to bed I get to read in the hammock outside

How do you find solitude?

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My Brother

Alexis is how she was born. When my children were born she, who identified as a he, became yeah-yeah. I don’t exactly remember how, but the non-gender-specific name was helpful as my children grew. I could pretty much avoid the subject. Was that a cruel way to deal with something I had no idea how to deal with? Avoiding it?

Top Surgery

When she had an optional double mastectomy it was time for me, our Mom, and everyone else to get serious about identifying her as he truly felt on the inside.

Wedding

Alex got married to Chelle (I was totally there) and it was a beautiful showing of love.

I was totally there

Now in order to truly become more of a man, he is taking testosterone. I was kindly “warned” about this fact, but I don’t think I reacted in quite the right way. Had we been without video, there may have been one of those long awkward pauses…good thing I just made a “I have no idea what to say” face instead. That’s way better…

My mouth hasn’t quite caught up with my heart or my brain. I find myself starting to say her, she, and “seestor” but then another one of those long awkward pauses comes out. I love my sibling (there I go again…) no matter what; that isn’t going to change. I know how I feel, but it matters what comes out of my mouth, too. It matters to him and I’m sorry if it takes a little while for my mouth to catch up.